Sex is not an ingestable substance, so a problematic sexual habit is not quite like other addictions. Nonetheless, we can consume sexually stimulating material and it can be quite intoxicating. While we’ll never be arrested for driving under its influence, we may start to crave it. We may also find that it takes more control of our lives over time and leads us to act in ways we otherwise wouldn’t.

Consider the role sex plays in your life or the life of a loved one. Here are some questions to help you explore whether your fascination with or pursuit of sex is becoming problematic:

1. Have you developed a tolerance for sex? Tolerance occurs in drug dependence when the body habituates or acclimates to the substance and thus there is a dampening of its original effect on the user. If the individual ups their dose or frequency of consumption to chase the high that once came more readily, then addiction deepens. In a similar way, the brain habituates to sexual stimulation and acclimates to sexual arousal. A consumer of porn, for instance, may find that suggestive pictures of scantily clad women no longer turn him on; now only hard core material does the trick. One of the therapists in a continuing education class I taught in Boston said that a new client came in complaining, “Mwy life is goin’ dyown the crappa fyasta than I can lowa my styandads.” That’s tolerance in a nutshell.

2. Do you suffer withdrawal symptoms when you abstain from your usual sexual behavior? Are you more irritable? Does life feel blah, perhaps almost not worth living? Do thoughts of sex interfere with your ability to focus on and accomplish other things? Are you awakened in the night by sexual compulsion? One individual said, “I struggled to go a week without porn when I started trying to…. I had relapses just like people do when they’re going off alcohol or tobacco–serious ones where I would be back to a daily habit for months.”

3. Do you consume sexual content in larger amounts or over a longer period than you intended? One of my clients recalled “coming to his senses” at four in the morning after a whole night of viewing porn, and only then because “I knew my wife would be getting up for work an hour later, and she’d freak out if she discovered what I’d been up all night doing.”

4. Have your attempts to cut down or control sexual thoughts and behavior proved unsuccessful, despite a persistent desire to do so? You may identify yourself as a religious individual, a family man or an upstanding woman in the community, and yet still not be able to rid yourself of self-gratifying/self-degrading sexual habits. It may be hard for a partner to understand this challenge. They may take it personally, assuming, “Since he knows how much his behavior bothers me, if he truly loved me then surely he would give it up!” After initial efforts to quit porn prove unsuccessful, some conclude that it’s useless to keep trying. They move to a position of accommodating sexual extremes as a part of their lives. Then it only gets worse, becoming bigger and more bothersome, to the point that they once again resolve to put it behind them once and for all this time. This roller coaster ride can go on for years, even decades.

5. Do you spend a great deal of time seeking sexual stimulation, trying to find sexual partners, obtaining and viewing porn, or recovering from the effects of your sexual pursuits? One individual devoted to sex the kind of hours per week required to hold down a full-time job.

6. Do you neglect or abandon important social, occupational, or recreational activities as a result of your sexual pursuits? After several weeks of being completely porn free, one of my clients told me about this experience: His 13-year-old daughter called from a friend’s house one Sunday evening to let him know she was on her way home. He decided to go walk with her. When they got back he exclaimed to his wife, “What a delightful daughter we have! We had so much fun chatting. It’s been too long since we had one-on-one time like that.” Then he thought back. He remembered having a similar heart-to-heart with her while driving around to take all her friends home after a birthday party. “Remember the Pizza party we threw for her?” he mused. “Yeah,” his wife responded, “when she turned nine.” Nine? It had been four years? Then it hit him: four years was how long he’d been so into sex. He felt like Rip Van Winkle, as though he’d been unconscious for years. It broke his heart to wonder what other experiences he had missed.

7. Do you continue to prioritize sex despite knowing the problems it may cause or exacerbate? A physician had worked for a decade to finally return and practice in his hometown. His wife built her dream home. His kids loved living by their cousins. Given his employer’s internet use policy, he knew he was putting everything at risk by flirting online from his office at the clinic. Yet it was still a jolt when he was called in to be terminated and the personnel manager handed him a copy of the computer records showing that they had logged 437 recent incidents deemed inappropriate by their monitoring system in the past two months.

When sex has become like an addiction to us, we can feel torn. On the one hand, we are so attached to the hope for the ultimate experience, the hunt for the next great pleasure, the yearning for the most gratifying stimulation ever. And yet, on the other hand, we can’t help but have a distinctly unpleasant growing suspicion: We came looking for a high, and what we got was a life. Fewer and fewer areas of life are going untouched by our fascination with and pursuit of sex. We wanted gratification, but we never decided to trade everything for it. That just happened on its own.

If I’ve just described the way your life is now–or if you are hoping to avoid ever arriving at such a place–please know that there is a way out! You can get your life back! We see people get free all the time. Even self-described “junkies” whose lives were immersed in and controlled by the pursuit of sex. Make the decision today to join us and the many others you’ll meet on this site who are seeking–and finding!–freedom. We’re here to help you take back control of your life. You don’t have to fight the battle alone. Along the way, please share with the rest of us what you’re going through. It may provide the very insight and encouragement a fellow traveler needs at a key point in their journey!

By Mark Chamberlain